“Hi Peta, just your coffee?”

“Hey Gabe, yep the usual please. Thank you.”

It’s the conversation which starts my every day.

I’m a regular at my local coffee haunt.

They see me crossing the street & have already reached for the cup which will become the vessel for my steaming latte & kick starter for my sleepy mind.

I’ve been a committed customer of this small, local business for two years. A decision I instinctively made on my second visit. To my unexpected delight, they’d remembered both my name & my coffee order from my first visit. I was theirs.

For two years our conversation has evolved, always with a silent undercurrent of understanding. I’m a reliable customer & my morning order is always the same. I don’t want my mind changed, or any suggestion to try something new. All I want a ritual of sameness to ease me into a new day.

Reliably, they deliver what they know my mind & body need & for that reason, they have my loyalty & trust.

This is the first of copious conversations in my day. I make a living as a coach through my ability to have masterful conversations.

Most of us have tens, sometimes hundreds of different types of conversations daily.

Exchanges of words in the form of requests or instructions. Conversations of appeasement where we go along with what’s being said because we can’t be bothered to argue. Conversations which strike a nerve & immediately jolt us to defend our perspective.

Some lead to deeper connections. Others remain superficial, and that’s ok.

What’s important is to a) understand when deeper connection is required to achieve a desired result & b) know how to create that deeper connection through intentional communication.

Using communication as a tool for fostering human connection begins with understanding the current level of conversation engagement.

I like to measure conversation engagement on a continuum to support my planning. It creates a visual scale illustrating where a customer relationship sits in the moment, versus where I’d like to be.

With time, a series of effective interactions is created which slowly develop trust & progress engagement to where buying decisions occur.

It looks a little like this:

Conversation engagement triangle:

*Cooperative conversation* & actions occur in the early relationship stages. Our relationship is superficial. When considered, our repeated actions create standards & form expectations.
*Contemplative conversations* are more cerebral. They reflect curiosity as we seek to understand each other’s perspectives. Alignment is identified & possible opportunities emerge.
*Conversations reflecting commitment* take time. “I” shifts to “we” as buying decisions are made. We *feel* enough trust to invest effort in change for mutual benefit.

How can we improve the level of engagement & strengthen human connection through conversation?

Here are six tips to consider in your planning:

1) Concentrate on the conversation your customer is ready to have in the moment

There is a wonderful story in Charles Duhigg’s new book Supercommunicators, where an Oncologist recalls a conversation with a patient. After hearing of his diagnosis, the doctor went on to explain what would happen next with his treatment. After a minute or two, he noticed the patient had zoned out. “Are you understanding what I’m saying?” he asked. “Sorry no. I didn’t hear any of that. I’m wondering how all of this is going to impact my family.” The patient wasn’t ready for factual detail. They were more concerned with what was most important to them.

Action: Meet your customers where they are & be patient.

2) Understand when you are getting in your own way

I liken preparing for a conversation as entering a cloak room. We must shed the outer wear which hijack our efforts to connect, putting it aside for the duration of the conversation.

Leave our defensive armour at the door
Remove the muddy boots of judgement which weigh us down in our own opinions
Hang up the hats carrying any assumptions based on old information which distort our perspective

Action: Improve your self awareness through a disciplined approach, intentionally checking your assumptions & judgements prior to customer conversations. Also be mindful of any rumbling of defensiveness & when present, replace with curiosity.

3) Ask the right questions

Conversations prioritising learning, reduce our self orientation & foster trust. They make our recipient feel heard. I’ve written about Planning with Questions framework in a previous blog. It becomes less about what we want to say & more about what we’d like to learn.

Deep questions about values, beliefs, feelings & experiences creates vulnerability. That vulnerability triggers emotional contagion which helps us to connect. (1)

Factual questions like “Where do you live?”, or “Are you married?” don’t draw out values or experiences. Reframing into feeling based questions such as, “What do you like about where you live?” or “Tell me about your family?”, evoke emotional replies & make it easier to reciprocate.

Action: Consider the common questions you ask when speaking with customers. How can you reframe them to evoke an emotional response?

4) Reciprocate vulnerability

Matching vulnerability creates ease. Revealing how we feel evokes emotion & emotion is not only contagious, it’s a powerful proponent to connection.

Sharing vulnerability in the professional context however, can be daunting.

Within Momentum Mindset™, we have an e-lesson which has you consider how to share your personal story in a professional world. It supports preparation & prevents you from being caught off guard.

We are all entitled to personal boundaries. They are important for fostering trust. Being prepared & understanding how much of ourselves we are willing to share with our customers, brings ease to reciprocating vulnerability enabling us to use it as a powerful tool for connection.

Action: Consider your responses to a customers curiosity about your work & family, “What made you leave your last job?” or “Tell me about your family?” & prepare responses you are happy to share.

5) Listen to the meaning behind the words

Have you ever been in an escalating emotionally charged conversation & thought, “there is more to this than what’s being said?”

Listen for emotion behind spoken words & acknowledge any feelings you notice bubbling to the surface. Often its vulnerability desperate for oxygen. While it remains buried, it will continue to block the flow of conversation & hinder any connection from developing. Acknowledgement often brings relief, validation fostering connection.

Action: Sometimes the best question we can ask ourselves during a conversation is, “What is this really about?” Broaching it with our speaker starts with sensitively acknowledging what you are observing, without making it personal.

6) Follow up with unexpected value

Recognising & unexpectedly delivering value demonstrates we’ve listened. It screams, “I understand XYZ is important to you & I thought ABC might be of interest.”

They become “touch points” or micro-investments in developing trust.

Action: reflect on the opportunities your customer conversations provide for non-material value such as introductions & information. Stagger your delivery of this value to remain front of mind with your customer.

Customer connections evolve through effective conversations. Preparation should begin by asking ourselves the question:

What do I need to do to move the dial on human connection?

It’s a refreshing change from:

How do I move this customer towards a sale?

Never forget customers can see through our intent. How conscious are you of your’s?

Peta x

Sales coach | Commercial Growth Consultant

Mental Health Speaker for Beyond Blue

Founder of Momentum Mindset™ - 6 month online course for sales professionals

Author of My Beautiful Mess - living through burnout & rediscovering me

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