Prioritising your relationship with yourself is not selfish. Here’s why.
Their bodies stood facing each other, no more than two feet apart. The silence between them was deafening, the air thick with awkwardness as their brains attempted to navigate their way through the emotional labyrinth between them.
“Who are you?” their eyes asked of each other.
Together, they’d shared forty years of intimate memories, their heartbeats perfectly synchronised, yet there they stood like total strangers, desperate to avoid each other’s gaze.
Neither of them knew what to say or where to start.
“How do we find our way back?” the question pulsing through their minds.
These were the questions my mirror reflection & I asked of each other 5 years ago.
For years I’d juggled life’s realities with a career few people understood by continually showing up & finding a way. It was my default setting & what came naturally to this strategic disciplinarian.
It was what everyone expected.
Compounded stress in combination with my innate strengths proved a perfect storm for the burnout that eventuated. Science now exploring the correlation between burnout incidence & personality type. (Parker et al, 2021)
Without realising it, I’d allowed the stress to build in my life to a point where I was no longer taking care of myself. But there was a bigger problem, I had no idea where I was heading.
I was chasing what Arianna Huffington describes as the phantom of a successful life - chasing success without really defining what success meant to me.
The cost of compounded stress, self neglect & having no idea where I was heading - losing my connection with myself & my way in life.
There I stood that day in front of the mirror with no idea what made me happy or what I stood for outside of work.
I couldn’t even have told you what I enjoyed for dinner. Food had become something I needed to shovel in my mouth to keep going, not something I enjoyed. Meal times were as bland as they sounded. Choosing what to eat a decision I didn’t have the time or energy to make.
As I took stock of my life, I realised finding happiness & fulfilment had to start with reacquainting myself with the stranger in the mirror. That by keeping everyone else happy, I was disappointing the person who mattered most. Me.
“The truth is it matters not at all what you think of my life – but it matters supremely what you think of your own.”
~ Glennon Doyle
I had to find my way back.
The relationship we have with ourselves is the one partnership in life we cannot live without or avoid - as much as some of us might try.
As the saying goes, we need to fasten our own oxygen mask first, before we can be of anything to anyone else.
I’ve learned that for me, without a continual concerted effort to nourish this intimate partnership, the dial on life’s pressure cooker rapidly escalates. One day, a gentle simmer. The next, an erratic boiling mess proliferated by compounded stress desperately searching for reprieve at the surface. Checks & balances are mandatory to prevent the boil over.
Today, I like to use my shadow as a reminder to check in with my relationship with myself. It is ever present. The more we put ourselves in the spotlight & invest in what is important to us, the stronger its definition.
Where did I start?
The discovery process of this new way of life started when I dove into the strengths that I had grown to fear & invested time in understanding where the heck they fitted into my life’s tapestry. In isolation, my top 5 strengths sat in a frame on The Director’s desk, reinforcing a rigid existence that was unchangeable. I was petrified of being stuck with that robotic version of myself for life.
The relief practically exploded from my cells when I re-sat that same assessment years later only to find my strengths were different. The robot was gone, poof! It was symbolic of change & a mental pass to freedom.
Finally, I could craft a life based on my entire picture, not just the dominant piece of the puzzle that was no longer serving me well. For the first time, I understood how it all fit together.
The parts people see & the parts just for me.
Today, I am driven, fuelled & fulfilled in life through my continually evolving purpose. The difference I make to those I serve. It keeps my view outward & is the antidote for being trapped in one’s own mind.
Like any other vital organ, it deserves it’s own health check. One achieved through self awareness & self compassion.
I recently described in an interview for The Job Hunting Podcast, the blue print I find helpful for this;
Our purpose refers to our values & passions. They are brought to life by our strengths & preferences. They are found through connecting, giving back & learning.
It is the cycle of us that keeps us continually connected with ourselves & the greater universe.
Each component a vital cog in the wheel:
Personal Values
Our values are what we stand for, protected fiercely by the boundaries we set. They are our deepest motivators & a superpower for those who take the time to intentionally discover their own. Our decision-making compass & the voice of our intuition, our values are the foundation of our Legacy. (request your personal values worksheet here)
Passions
Our passions are recognised through the universal currency of energy. They are responsible for the euphoria we feel when we are fully engaged in life. They don’t come to us. Rather, we must seek them out through our curiosity & willingness for exploration. Explore the sparks.
Strengths & Preferences
Our strengths are our delivery method. They are themes describing how we offer our purpose to the world based on what comes naturally. The innate traits that influence the way we are perceived by others. Understanding our strengths & the consequence of their impact, helps us understand both their benefit & potential negative implication. For example, predisposition to burnout.
Each of us is creating our life’s masterpiece based on our values, passions, strengths & preferences. It continually evolves as we dance with life’s flow.
Our purpose, is the thread. Each stitch delicately woven through; the gesture of giving back, our nurturing of human connection & our enthusiasm for learning.
Collectively, the process connects what we stand for with our impact on the outside world.
It keeps us connected, to us.
Peta x
Sales & Career Performance Coach, Speaker & Author of My Beautiful Mess - living through burnout & rediscovering me
Recommended Reading & References:
Untamed, by Glennon Doyle
Thrive, by Arianna Huffington
Burnout, by Gordon Parker, Gabriella Tavella & Kerrie Eyers (2021) pg 143
Defining You, by Fiona Murden (Defining you Online program also available)