Messy Lesson: The words we use when talking about our own mental health matter.

Small words are powerful. They have the capacity to alter the meaning of a sentence in a heartbeat.

Brené Brown’s infamous quote on shame springs to mind:

 “The difference between shame and guilt is the difference between “I am bad” and “I did something bad.”” 

The two letters forming the word “am” transforming the meaning of the sentence from one that traps us in our head in a harsh self-deprecating spiral, to one of self-compassion that separates us from our poor choices and keeps us mindfully connected to ourselves.

This is the way I choose to view anxiety.  It is not something I suffer, it is something that like many, I experience.  It is different to circumstantial stress and more like an undercurrent of agitation. One that preoccupies your brain with a confusion of ruminating thoughts and overcomes your body as it tries to defend itself from their impact. Its presence triggered by circumstance, fuelled by emotional neglect and calmed by an understanding of what quietens its voice.  For those who have read My Beautiful Mess, you will know my anxiety has a pronoun - she. I’ve even given her a name – Irene. 

My psychologist taught me the powerful strategy of naming and visualising Irene.  I find it an effective way of treating her like an occasional visitor, not a torturous life sentence. 

As she and I have become better acquainted, I’ve learnt to be grateful for what she has taught me and that by accepting her temporary presence, we can be quite the team.  Her extended visits have built my resilience and increased my comfort for states of uncertainty. She has become my courage trainer.

The key to enabling this mindset has been the language I use.

Language that reminds me Irene is not me and doesn’t define who I am. 

Through trial and error I’ve learnt how to make this “relationship” work. It feels timely to remind Irene of the tweaks I have made and how far we have come. After all without me, she wouldn’t exist.

Dear Irene,

I’ve stopped using the word “suffer”

When describing your influence, the word “suffer” made me feel I’d been slapped with a victim label and become trapped in an unchangeable state.  It held me back and fuelled the very stigma I and many others are trying to quash through telling our stories.  I no longer “suffer” by your presence.

I choose “manage”

“Managing you” has come with understanding you.  It makes me feel prepared for your visits and no longer frightened when you unexpectedly fling open the door.  If I trigger your knocking, that’s on me.  I accept you will appear and understand what I need to do to coexist for that period of time.  I now “manage”.

I define the moment

I choose to define the moment rather than permit you to own my legacy.  Rather than saying “I am anxious”, I prefer to define the moment in time, “I am anxious today”.  While I won’t wish you away, I like to remind myself you have a finite end.

I accept not avoid

I choose to welcome you as a part of my life rather than avoid, deny or deflect through the language I use.  I now know those words only pour fuel on your fire and lengthen your visit.  I accept you are here today and will pull out my tool kit to prepare for your staycation.  

As your voice quietens, I will move on without you.  Don’t be offended. We both know you’ll be back.

You teach not punish

I fully accept I will never know all there is to know about you.  You will evolve as will I.  “We”, our relationship, will always be a work in progress.  That is why, rain, hail or shine, I have a monthly check in with my psychologist Jo. 

Remember her?  She introduced us.  She taught me you aren’t to be feared and that by embracing you as my teacher, you will protect me from the bum steers life dishes up and nudge me in the right direction – so long as I listen.    

I now ask, “What are you teaching me?” not “Why are you punishing me?”

I’ve learnt if I ask the right question, your answer will always be useful.

It’s all in the words.

I must choose them wisely. We must choose them wisely. 

Peta x

Author

My Beautiful Mess – Living through burnout and rediscovering me

Coach, Consultant, Speaker

Please note I am not a psychologist, these are the strategies that I have learnt with time, work for me.