Messy Lesson: When life is more about coping than living, it’s time to stop.
There is a point in all of our lives when we experience something no longer working - a marriage, a job, a debt, a bucket load of extracurricular kids’ activities.
We press on because too many people rely on us to keep going. The consequences of stopping become unfathomably frightening as we struggle to imagine our lives ever being any different from the familiar highlight reel everyone expects.
Without realising it, life becomes less about us and all about everyone else.
This is the moment in time I wish I could go back to.
That exact moment when life became more about coping than it did about living. I became more controlling, thinking that is what I needed to survive. I became combative when challenged, resentful of responsibility and found it much easier to blame everyone else for not complying with my needs, rather than hold the mirror up and give myself and damn good talking to.
My self-awareness had been masked by the frenetic momentum of life, blinding me to the damage I was doing to my family.
When I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I no longer saw me. I saw the eyes of the people I believed I would disappoint if I didn’t stay afloat. I was detached from myself and overwhelmed by burnout. My vision was warped and it carried over into all parts of my life.
“Work life balance”? I’ve never believed in it. Now more than ever. The image my brain conjures in reading the words is of a set of scales that if tipped too much in either direction, means we are failing. Why on earth would we put that sort of pressure on ourselves?
Working in an operating room, an environment where I was not in control of my own time while deeply rewarding, was bloody tough. Particularly when I didn’t have the resources at home to support my family. It was a choice I made because I genuinely thought there was no choice. I thought this is what life had installed for me.
I was wrong.
Today I have redefined my definition of success.
It is no longer about definitive achievements, targets and recognition. Today success is about crafting a life that enables me to be my best version, professionally and personally.
If I could go back to that moment in time, what would I do?
I would make “I am not coping” real and say the words out loud
People don’t know what they don’t know. They can’t read minds. Remember the saying, “always check in on the friend who looks like they have it all together”?
Reaching out for help is more than OK. It’s critical.
What is the difference between that moment in time and today for me?
Today I have the benefit of having taken myself on the exhilarating adventure of self-discovery. I understand who I am and although there will always be parts of myself I don’t like, I accept they are a part of my tapestry and understand how they should be managed.
Mostly, the process was like being given an instruction manual for – me. The energy felt electric.
What are my guiding life principles today?
I understand my personal values
Nurturing my values gives me energy. It ensures I always know what is deeply important to me and enables me to protect it fiercely. An intentional 6 monthly check in keeps me connected with myself and reminds me what is and isn’t ok in my world.
I manage expectations
While values enable me to say “no” with confidence, in practise, we can’t be so abrupt. Particularly in the professional world. Managing the expectations of those around me, customers, clients and kids(!), gives my brain the slack it needs to function with ease.
I learn rather than judge
Judgement bogs my brain and drives it to a standstill. Learning keeps it flowing, growing and energised. A relentlessly curious person, I now try to approach every situation or conversation with an open mind. I’ve learnt preconceived ideas and judgement only limit opportunity.
I have passions!
I’ve discovered what I am most passionate about translates into what gives my brain and body energy. I now make sure I dedicate time each day to whatever these may be, unapologetically and without distraction.
Connecting brings me joy
I know this is what I need, but I do have to work hard for it. First and foremost, I make sure I am connected with myself. I’ve learnt that doesn’t mean spending time on your own, you can be disconnected from yourself in your own presence. I have to watch spending too much time with myself. It can trap me in my own head. I now make a conscious effort to connect outward and enjoy bringing delight to another.
I give where I can
Generosity of spirit is good for the soul. A listening ear, a compliment to a stranger, our lingering attention, a helping hand. It doesn’t need to be expensive or tangible. The best gift is making someone feel wonderful.
I work on my self-awareness
Feedback keeps us course correcting, growing and out of our own heads. Understanding how we are perceived by the eyes of others, prevents us from becoming misunderstood.
I’ve appointed my support crew
Monthly appointments with my psychologist are an exercise session for my brain. She keeps me honest to myself. I’ve learnt that while we might think we have nothing to talk about, there is always something to talk about. Without fail I walk out lighter, wiser and brighter - every time.
I live my universal purpose everyday
Honestly, I thought “purpose” was a gimmick. A buzz word. A fad. No way José. How wrong was I? Defining my purpose and realising its power is now both my business plan and life plan. It’s why I wrote My Beautiful Mess. It is why I am writing to you now. It is why I coach people to be the best version of themselves so they have the courage to revel in this adventure called life. (a little more on purpose in my previous blog post)
Understanding how to be the best version of me, has empowered me with the confidence to make the hard decisions in life.
To be honest, now I have that understanding, those decisions have never been easier.
Peta x
My full story is in my book My Beautiful Mess - Living through burnout and rediscovering me